ON SATURDAY WE BECAME "THOSE PEOPLE"

 This is not an example of "those people." Though this photo was preceded by a pretty "mom" moment. Husband was facepainting at the Grapevine Main St Days. I wanted to check it out so we took the trek down to Grapevine to bring him some Chick-fil-A (it's a Southern thing) for lunch. I ordered a delicious peach milkshake and when it was handed to me it immediately made it's way into my lap. awesome. I scooped up as much as I could, used every diaper wipe in my bag plus all the napkins from my Chick-fil-A bag to clean myself up. I got to walk around with a milky residue down my front for the rest of the day. Grapevine was fun, but it was so hot. We could only stand to be there for a little bit before we all headed home.


Since Husband was no longer going to work the rest of the day, we decided to risk going to see The Great Gatsby. Yeah, we took a baby to the movies. We were those people. Who brings a baby to the movies? Those who have incredible faith in either their babies or the soothing power of milk. We had faith in the latter. Luckily our faith worked in our favor. Baby Vera called out once, but she was either sleeping or nursing through the whole movie. And it was such a good movie. It was so worth the risk. But I don't think I'll do it again. I was stressed the whole time. Or if I decide to risk it again, I'll go to an empty matinee.

Most recent photo of baby V -taken 5 minutes ago. I think her face has already changed. She doesn't look so "newborn-y" anymore.

see?

BTW, I adore her and we're doing so much better hanging out at home together. This is going to sound cruel, but I love to hear her cry. Not because I like hearing the crying or want her to be upset, but because she's my baby and has her own distinct cry, and I think it's darling. I also think it's darling that when I say "Veronica" in her ear she pauses the tears and listens, even if for only a second.

THIS IS WATER

It's funny how things will pop up just when you need them. Enjoy this commencement address given by David Foster Wallace -yeah, I don't know who he is either. However, what he says is the "capital T truth" and it definitely filled a bit of my inspiration bucket this morning.

THIS IS WATER - By David Foster Wallace from The Glossary on Vimeo.

ADJUSTING

I love her face. I never figured that staying home to be a mom would be an adjustment, I don't know why it didn't occur to me. And though I've been a stay-at-home mom for fewer than three weeks, it's clear that I need to adjust how I view myself, my roles, my time, my productivity. Let me tell you, it is hard to no longer contribute financially. I received my last paycheck today. A part of me wants to just spend it all on a new wardrobe, but this is the last bit of income I will contribute for who knows how many years!

I spent a lot of today asking myself some hard questions. Question number one: why are you so dramatic sometimes? Others were more about why this is hard for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long. I have been anxiously looking forward to the day when I can stay home with a baby. I think it's hard for me because there aren't a lot of "doing" verbs associated with what I have been doing all day. I don't know how to quantify my "activities". Yes, I am keeping a baby alive, and yes, that is huge. But I'm moving less, I'm producing less, I'm earning less, I'm doing less.

I drew up a daily chores chart for myself just to maintain that cross-it-off-my-list mentality that has engulfed my life since I started middle school. I've been a cross-it-off-my-list person for 12 years. It's hard to suddenly have no list. I know that things wont stay this way for long, and everyone is telling me to slow down and enjoy it. I have to say that I've slowed down a lot and it's not the best.

What should I do to keep myself feeling useful and satisfied? I'm going to keep reading adult books. I'll just read them aloud. Get ready for some post-WWI disillusionment courtesy of Fitzgerald little Veronica. I'm going to do some sort of work out every day (when I remember). I'm going to get better about scripture study (while nursing), I'm going to go for walks. And these things are good until I can find something to do that fuels me. If I'm inspired and happy, I will easily create the home environment I want for our family.

I think it is too early in the parenting game to be so disconsolate -why so much drama, Lana? I think I'm just very suddenly bored. I'm not used to being so [what I would always consider] lazy. I hate watching TV and being on the internet for extended periods of time. I cannot nap all day. And I don't crave a sedentary life.

So the hunt is on to find something that will keep me growing so I can be a better/more enjoyable wife and mother. In the mean time I will recognize that I'm bored and that it's not the end of the world and certainly nothing to cry about. I will enjoy my baby's face and watch her grow and recognize that I am beyond lucky. I will find more things to be glad about.

BEING AT HOME -FOR REAL

Now that I've been home for almost three weeks and we've fallen into a sort of routine, I am surprised to find that I'm not uncontrollably happy. My baby V is the sweetest and easiest during the day -evenings are free for all "feed me every 20 minutes or I will die!" scream fests. Nights are fine, we seem to only wake up at 2 and at 6 and she latches just fine, eats for 40 minutes and goes right back to sleep.

But being home alone all day is much harder than I anticipated. My house is clean, our laundry is clean, the baby is fed and sleeping, I'm not tired, I have no errands, and I feel so lonely. I miss my husband like it's my job. My whole day points to when he will come home and I can be with him. But he comes home tired and he has things to do, and oh I miss him like I haven't seen him in months. And then the post-pregnancy hormones kick in and I cry for ridiculous reasons -if those particular tears even have reasons, and it is exhausting for me and for Husband. And Vera needs to eat, and Dinah needs to bite and scratch and play, and I am so needy for my husband's attention.

I'm trying to establish a schedule for me so I feel more productive. And I feel guilty when Husband comes home and I just want to cry for no reason other than I love him and miss him. I feel guilty because I want him to love being home with us and crying feels like something that will make him not love being home with us.

I love this little baby creature that is ours and is a real person and will know us completely as mom and dad. I love her and adore her, and I want that for Husband. I want to make us a happy home. Now if only I could stop wanting to cry.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Thank you baby Vera for coming in time for Mothers Day. I love being your mom -so far. :) Let's practice taking your long nap at night though, ok?